I woke up this morning feeling scared and worried that my body has stopped being a dancer.
Up until I was 17, I was a pianist - it was everything to me. It was my life, my creativity, my joy. I was intensely committed to it, and was on a journey to make it my career. When I was 17 my family went through something very traumatic and we all went through a lot of changes as a result. While I didn't stop playing the piano immediately, the passion and dedication I had for playing this instrument drastically changed that year. It took a long time for me to connect the dots, that something about the trauma we went through that year is at the root of why I eventually stopped playing the piano.
Now I am scared that the same thing is happening with dance. Before 2015, I was on a serious path. I was training hard, and I have improved so much in my skill and ability in the last few years. But after a going through a big shock at the beginning of 2015, I have hardly been able to train in dance this year. I still go to classes here and there, but I am finding it really hard to stick to a training schedule. I am finding it too exhausting to travel across the city for a class. The heart and passion and dedication I had for dance 7-8 months ago is not with me at the moment.
I don't want to lose dance. I am really scared that this is the beginning of the end.
But I want to remind myself that, even if my body and spirit might be experiencing a similar reaction to trauma as what happened when I was 17 - it doesn't mean that the result will be the same. I am a different person now. I have the capacity to understand, and heal from trauma in a way that I didn't have when I was 17. I didn't even know what was happening to me at that age. I knew that what was happening to my family was bad, but it didn't occur to me that I myself needed any kind of support. I just knew I had to be the emotional rock for my family. I remember a part of myself shutting down, numb and confused.
I'd like to think that, at age 31, my commitment to healing from trauma might leave me in a stronger place so that maybe I won't "lose" dance the way I feel like I "lost" the piano. That maybe I need at least the rest of the summer not to put any pressure on myself in terms of how or when I dance. Perhaps this is a signal that I just need a little bit more time to rest. And I will re-assess what kind of training schedule might work for me in the fall.
Perhaps even, I can trust that maybe I am just changing in body and spirit, so that I can't be the same dancer that I was before --constantly fighting against all odds, and pushing myself into exhaustion-- but when I am ready to return I'll realize that I am ready to be more of the dancer that I want to be -- with breath, freedom and ease.
Up until I was 17, I was a pianist - it was everything to me. It was my life, my creativity, my joy. I was intensely committed to it, and was on a journey to make it my career. When I was 17 my family went through something very traumatic and we all went through a lot of changes as a result. While I didn't stop playing the piano immediately, the passion and dedication I had for playing this instrument drastically changed that year. It took a long time for me to connect the dots, that something about the trauma we went through that year is at the root of why I eventually stopped playing the piano.
Now I am scared that the same thing is happening with dance. Before 2015, I was on a serious path. I was training hard, and I have improved so much in my skill and ability in the last few years. But after a going through a big shock at the beginning of 2015, I have hardly been able to train in dance this year. I still go to classes here and there, but I am finding it really hard to stick to a training schedule. I am finding it too exhausting to travel across the city for a class. The heart and passion and dedication I had for dance 7-8 months ago is not with me at the moment.
I don't want to lose dance. I am really scared that this is the beginning of the end.
But I want to remind myself that, even if my body and spirit might be experiencing a similar reaction to trauma as what happened when I was 17 - it doesn't mean that the result will be the same. I am a different person now. I have the capacity to understand, and heal from trauma in a way that I didn't have when I was 17. I didn't even know what was happening to me at that age. I knew that what was happening to my family was bad, but it didn't occur to me that I myself needed any kind of support. I just knew I had to be the emotional rock for my family. I remember a part of myself shutting down, numb and confused.
I'd like to think that, at age 31, my commitment to healing from trauma might leave me in a stronger place so that maybe I won't "lose" dance the way I feel like I "lost" the piano. That maybe I need at least the rest of the summer not to put any pressure on myself in terms of how or when I dance. Perhaps this is a signal that I just need a little bit more time to rest. And I will re-assess what kind of training schedule might work for me in the fall.
Perhaps even, I can trust that maybe I am just changing in body and spirit, so that I can't be the same dancer that I was before --constantly fighting against all odds, and pushing myself into exhaustion-- but when I am ready to return I'll realize that I am ready to be more of the dancer that I want to be -- with breath, freedom and ease.